MY DEAR TIMITUS,

I was informed this morning that you have been assigned to a fledgling worship ministry in a small evangelical church. My boy, what a career opportunity! I am sure you will be feeling a combination of eagerness, creativity, and, of course, poised malevolence. But, as you know, there are potential pitfalls in every assignment, and this one is no different. Perhaps a word of orientation is in order. 

Timitus, whatever you meet between those pews, whatever personalities and besetting sins you uncover at the first rehearsal, you must remember above all else: ambiguity. Do not forget this. You know the great blunders we have suffered when tempters have become ambitious and sought to actually teach ideas and form defined convictions in our pupils. Clarity, specificity, ideas, these are all Enemy territory, and we really need not learn the lesson again. My boy, in all things, ambiguity, haze, distraction, and confusion should be the order of the day. You understand?

Let’s take the central example. It is imperative that as little attention as possible is given to the question: “What exactly are we doing here?” But since we fastidiously prepare and pray for the worst, when the question does arise, the answer that must be concealed at all costs is: “ministry.” “Worship” is, of course, not ideal. But it can be worked with, twisted to our purposes. In their pursuit of “worship” on Sunday, you will be able to focus them on their experience of worship so easily that it may shock you. If you play your cards right, after a short time, you may successfully substitute in their minds their experience of worship for worship itself. But if any of them so much as gestures towards ministry, towards ministering, concentrate a considerable amount of invitation upon them. You will not have to search far for an opening. 

Let me explain further. The Enemy has a particular design for their singing (I know it is difficult to speak of it and not hear the nauseating sound of it in our heads, but this is important). He intended a double audience - that is, they are to sing to Him and to one another. The “theory” is that worship ought to be offered upwards, because this is “fitting,” since the Enemy has done so and so for them and drivel, drivel, drivel. He has designed them to derive deep sustenance from this, and unfortunately, it is a well-known feature of things up there by now. 

In addition to worship offered upwards, ministry is to be offered outwards, to their fellow congregants in the pews. You may hear this described as “encouragement,” “admonition,” or “edification.” (These are highly counterproductive words, Timitus. If you discover that the congregants are throwing these around, you must notify me immediately.) Thus, the Enemy would have them “strengthened” and “conditioned” along both the vertical and horizontal planes. He takes a peculiar delight in them receiving from him and then giving to one another. It almost makes one sick. Sadly, we must always be prepared for him to be working from multiple vantage points, and such is the case here.

Now, a double audience is the design, as I said. But fortunately, it is underrealized in many congregations. The horizontal plane - the ministry dimension - is often unthought by modern individuals. We have done what we could to encourage this. Lower lighting, louder music, poorer songs, you know the formula. We have warmly commended them all. The shift away from the first person plural to the first person singular in their song lyrics was a stroke of singular genius. I can’t take credit for that, of course. It was before my time. But I have fanned the flames of individualism wherever possible. All that said, there are murmurings of the original design in some quarters. And it is possible that you have been assigned to such a place. If your lot is aware of both the vertical and the horizontal planes, we have our work cut out for us, but there are moves we can make. 

My advice would be to encourage (maliciously, of course, I won’t clarify this again) as much as you can: overemphasis. Stoke the fires of either/or in their hearts, Timitus. If they are pondering “balance,” whisper to them: “Cowards!” If they realise they have neglected the horizontal plane, send them reacting so energetically that they never look up or close their eyes in worship again. Focus them purely on the vertical until their "worship" is a private musical devotion, and they only remember one another when distracted by wrong notes or piercing tones. Focus them purely on the horizontal until they have an inflated view of their own singing and only remember the Enemy when they complain to him about the notes and tones I just mentioned. We can work with this sort of thing, as we have done in many other arenas throughout history.

A final word of caution on this, Timitus. At all costs, they must not become mathematicians. One plus one must never equal two. They must be either consumed with their duty to their neighbour, or their devotion to the Enemy. Never both. Singing congregations attending to both audiences become enormous problems for us. They are "affected" by the combination. We understand this to be more like infection, and not the kind we want. They become deeply concerned for the “glory” of the Enemy (from the heart, of course), and almost as concerned with the state of the souls around them. It is sickening, I know. But more than that, it will set back our efforts greatly. I cannot stress enough that this will be an issue of central importance in your assignment. They must not make progress in this area, Timitus. 

Your enlightened Uncle,

OTO.