Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother

Captain's Log: Table Time ~ Saturday, October 4th, 2025 ~ Lauds

¹² “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Lazy Saturday morning today. These are always risky, because the Devil finds work for idle hands. But we made our way through the perilous sleep-in and arrived safely at the table for a generous spread of pancakes, and bacon and eggs from Mama. 

The children were asking about their shorter catechism ‘test’ (the first 20 questions). So I ran each one through as many as they could get through with minor prompts. They all did very well. It reminded me that memorisation is only part of the project. We also need to spend time discussing the points of doctrine and applying them. Sometimes this happens organically - one that we recently discussed profitably was 'election,' which comes up in question 20. But we need to keep it on the agenda. 

I have been wondering about potential objections to catechizing. An easy one to make is that it promotes dry or mechanical “learning,” which doesn’t reach the heart. It might even give the children an overly cerebral impression of the faith, which will need to be unlearned or corrected later in life. But I don’t see why any of this is inherent to catechizing. More like a potential result of catechizing poorly. 

But I suspect objections to catechizing all grow out of a fundamental blind spot to the fact that everyone catechizes and everyone is catechized. Parents are constantly teaching their children axioms and proverbs. Sometimes they’ve come down from grandparents. Sometimes they’re the unwritten personal preferences or “common sense” of the parents. And sometimes they’re written down in creeds, confessions, traditions, and books that have been preserved and passed on for hundreds of years. The question is not whether to catechize, but which catechism to use. 

I had been wanting to spend more time in The Ten Commandments, so I pulled up James Durham’s A Practical Exposition of the Ten Commandments. We found several helpful things.

The duty of honouring father and mother has two parts, an internal and an external part. For our purposes I coined “honour on the inside” and “honour on the outside.” Here’s something close to a definition from Durham.

Observing and acknowledging the outstanding qualities or characteristics in individuals, whether it be their natural abilities, spiritual grace, social standing, or other incidental factors. Even if there is nothing remarkable about a person, they are still to be honored as bearers of God's image or as fellow Christians and members of Christ's Church.

Durham, James. A Practical Exposition of the Ten Commandments: James Durham (p. 438). (Function). Kindle Edition. 

We discussed the distinction between internal and external honour, and that it is possible to not have these two aligned - failing to exercise externally what we are to some degree committed to internally. Then we found these external expressions of honour. Durham offers 6 ways of “honouring on the outside.” 

(1) “In words.” This involves respectful and reverent speech, and, where appropriate, proper titles. We often notice that when the children are in a moment of temptation or sin, they are disinclined to call us “Mama” or “Dada.” We pick them up on this, as it seems a clear expression of dishonour born out of not wanting at that moment to be under the authority the title implies. These are usually moments of correction or rebuke, or simply denying the children something they think they ought not be denied. 

We had some fun thinking through how Mama could ‘respect on the outside’ Dada with a title, as Sarah did Abraham (1 Peter 3:6). Pearlyn and I had discussed this very thing lightheartedly a few days ago, which contributed to the laugh. I was struck that even if a wife wanted to offer respect toward her husband with a title, there aren’t any in use anymore for her to do it. 

One I did think of is the use of the title “Dada” when more is meant than the “name” the children use for him. For example, if a Mama tells the children to “Go and tell Dada that dinner is ready,” this is more of a naming use of the title. But if there has been a disagreement or a question of family policy, and Mama says, “We will do what Dada decides,” this is a use of the title as designating a position with authority. Or if in response to Dada’s suggested path forward, or his prohibition of a suggested course of action by others, Mama says, “OK, Dada,” this seems to come close to 1 Peter 3:6 as well. 

I was reminded that, in addition to the blessing of a peaceful and happy home, these family dynamics are good because they teach children to say “Yes, Lord” to God. If Mama says, “OK, Dada,” the children will learn to say it as well. And if this household makes progress in saying “Yes, Dada,” they should make good progress in saying “Yes, Lord.” Obedience in the home is all about obedience before the throne.

(2) “In gestures.” Some more laughs with this one, too, imagining bowing and rising (although it seems to work very well on the character of Koreans). But something like silence at the appropriate time would be ‘honour on the outside.’ I suggested that a subtle bow of the head to accompany a “Yes, Dada,” might assist the heart of the one honouring and enlarge the communication to the one being honoured. Lewis agreed. Closely related are greetings. We have had to work with the children on proper greetings - by name (with voice), and with eye contact, as an outward expression of honour (towards grandparents, other parents at church, in social settings). 

(3) “In actions.” Simple (and quick) obedience. A very good way to honour on the outside. Perhaps the most practically necessary for well-ordered family life. 

(4) “In our resources.” The obvious one here is helping. Children move very quickly from being elated to help in any way possible to having a very precise preference for which help they would like to give. We have often talked through the help of necessity versus the help of enjoyment. Some things are fun to help with. Many things require help from children simply in honour of father and mother. 

(5) “In our prayer.” We pray for those in authority with weighty tasks, and in so doing, honour them. The children can pray for their parents, who likewise have authority for a weighty task. This strikes me as a good way to prepare children to pray for authorities outside the home. 

(6) “In covering their weaknesses and faults.” It’s rare, but there are times when the children seek to highlight a failing of one of us. I try to respond with a willingness to hear a charge, regardless of the age of the plaintiff. But I can see the value in teaching children the habit of covering a failure of a father or mother when appropriate. This seems particularly fitting in public. 

We were blessed by these. We sang a chorus of “By Faith,” which the children are very taken with at the moment.

We will stand as children of the promise

We will fix our eyes on Him our soul’s reward

Till the race is finished and the work is done

We’ll walk by faith and not by sight

I prayed, and off we went.